A wonderful therapist asked me a few years back, what’s your relationship to guilt? My quick response, hmm that’s not a feeling I am familiar with, I never feel quilt.
But when I looked deeper, I actually realised that the opposite was true.
Guilt was with me all the time. All the time. It was such a common feeling for me that I didn’t even realise it was a feeling. I thought it was who I was. The thing is, I was completely lost in the world of ambition. And when I was there in the state of just doing, doing, and doing – I was feeling guilt as soon as I was not working towards decreasing my never ending to-do list. Or actually, even those moments when I was working hard with a point on my list, I felt guilty because I was not working efficient enough, I could of course always do everything a bit better.
Living with guilt is the most destructive way of living I can imagine, it is like walking around with clouds constantly hindering me from enjoying the real sun, claws around the head stopping me from thinking clearly, cramps in my belly keeping me from being in my body – like being dead before I actually stopped breathing.